We move on..

You see..after switching elementary schools I continued on to middle school.. Feeling as though I can face the world strong and beautifully.. As I grew older I was only becoming young and stupid.. I have and always will be an intelligent and mature person but my decisions on the other hand were not that intelligent.. I started off sixth grade strong. Athletic honor roll.. But I saw too much interest in socializing.. I started seventh grade and every decision I made slowly became worse through out eighth I started failing more and more classes cutting myself the crowd I’d hung out with and dated was a wrong group of people for me I mean I’d made connections but it would have been best for me if I had avoided who I thought suit me. I began highschool thinking who I dated mattered thinking my infatuation was love thinking what I did no one would care. That was the beginning of a new beginning. My cheer life. At first I said I hated it that it was useless that my dad forced me since I didn’t want to do track swimming soccer etc, but the truth was every sweaty minute I was growing an attachment that will last a lifetime.. I was not ready for highschool in which I had started to fail classes I could have easily passed if I’d just taken the time to do what was needed.. But I didn’t.. I put cheer first and just skated by.. My sophomore year I’d promised I’d do better.. But then i’d let infatuation once again take over me. Letting pity grow into respect and quickly losing that. A year later my junior year began.. The beginning? Again off to a rough start letting my thoughts of others poison my true feelings and thoughts.. But come December I had reconnected with a close friend I had missed so much.. As days past I’d come to realize my true feelings were as I’d always known but hidden.. In a week i had my heart broken ,but she left her to talk to me again and my hope rebuilt.. I was on a mission and As minutes past faster and faster I had attempted hinting at my feelings.. Until one day I’d asked what she had been looking for and I fit all criteria but one.. Some days that’s the hardest.. As you can see I’m moving fairly quickly and that’s because I must hit all my good points before letting you see the bad infiltrate my lifestyle. Soon bri (the girl I’d mentioned shortly above) and I had began talking about us and being together and the possibility of life growing together and love coming in.. This is where you learn how amazing she is to stick around even when things go south.. You see my sophomore year rolled around I was struggling not only with infatuation but with my mom. We learned that her kidneys were failing. They moved her into dialysis which she chose peritoneal of course though she wishes she chose another form even though it was the best. Even with dialysis it was still a struggle especially having to set her up certain times of days being completely clean and having to put the dogs out and not allowing them in the room because it was unsterile. We’d been looking for donors and doctors would not allow me to be the donor and many family members offered but only two were sincere enough to do it.. After thinking they decided to rule out my cousin as a donor because she is young and they didnt want her to have only one kidney my moms sister much older offered and around rolled January.. My aunt was denied saying it was too dangerous because one of her kidneys was significantly smaller than the other. I’m sure you could see why this was affecting me.. You see I was cheering which took up 6 out of 7 days of the week we were struggling financially again because her most recent hiring career told her it is a pre existing condition and that they could not help. My dad was missing mortgage payments to let me continue the sport that I love so dearly so naturally were in the hole I was struggling to keep up with homework and some days I had to miss to take her or be there for her appointments(her being my mother). As the year continued I was slowly being torn apart I was infatuated so deeply in which I let her hurt me.. I was watching my mom slowly die in front of my face.. I witnessed my mom make amends with a woman who most definitely did NOT deserve it. Linda. Linda lived with me and my parents when I was growing as a toddler. My dad had only given her one rule and that was to not bring strange men into the house because he doesn’t know what they’ll do with the opportunity of a toddler wandering around. Until she had. One morning my dad had awaken to the sound of cartoons normal for a child but as he walked out of his bedroom he’d found a grown ass man in his boxers sitting on the couch eating cereal and watching cartoons. Not alone, but with me under his arm eating cereal as well like it was normal.. My dad was pissed. He had asked her to leave as this was not the only problem with her he’s had you see she didn’t pay rent like she was supposed to she walked around the house butt ass naked and would use my parents bathroom with the door wide open in their bedroom and the last straw was her tearing the basement up. She trashed everything. And paid none of the damage. Linda is a cousin of mine and if I remember right my moms niece. Not only was that the problem between her and my mom but my grandfather on my moms side was in the hospital dying as Linda had came in and accused my grandfather of molesting her as a kid. My grandma started yelling in the hospital at my mom saying she was supposed to protect her. It was not just the accusation. It was that she made it public. She wrote a book about how she was Thai and the struggles shed faced with being molested by my grandpa and all of these things that weren’t true.. She is Cambodian not Thai. My grandfather didnt moleste her and left him with a bad reputation after death.. My sister was starting to become a handful but not too much. The love of my life was with a girl who abused her and didnt deserve her love in anyway.. Physically emotionally she deserved nothing. That year was not a very good year.. Until march rolled around we learned that because my mom was of the smaller stature that they could in fact give her the smaller kidney from her sister. She had a transplant and the aftermath was funny because she was so drugged up, but she couldn’t help it. After all this you think the hardships would be over that we as a family would be able to continue our lives as normal people in the world.. To be continued..

The beginning

So I decided that like most “stories” written I’d share mine in an informal way and start from the beginning. I am 17 years of age I’m five feet tall with dark brown hair and brown eyes I wear kids sized shoes and I am of the thicker form. But as I said the beginning. I was born February 22 1996 my real name is Lexandra because my mom wanted me to have a boys name and my dad said no so she still wanted to be different and ripped off the a in Alexandra. I am half Cambodian and as a child I spoke fluently.. And I wished someone had continued to teach me it sucks knowing you should have been bilingual and you missed out because people stopped teaching you and you’re too young to teach myself. My Cambodian grandparents had past away at an earlier age.. I taught myself to read and I was so OCD about the weirdest things.. My dad said when I played with Legos as a child I’d build things and if one block color was off from my “pattern” I’d rip it all apart and restart. Naturally you’d assume I was a pretty intelligent child. Well I was despite the stupid shape box.. I never did like that even now. Three and a half years later my sister Yazmin (named after Yasmin Bleath from that one life guard movie) was born. Growing up I had a very privileged childhood if I wanted something I could get it I didn’t throw temper tantrums and I loved learning. When I first started school my mom says I refused to take off my back pack that I would even sleep with it on my back. I’m unsure if anyone is reading this but this is mainly for reflection purposes so if you don’t like it don’t read it I’m sorry. But as I was saying privileged. I modeled for American girl they paid quite handsomely as you’d imagine, but what they liked most was that my portfolio was not professional my mom did a collage of the pictures shed loved most of me. I went to asbury elementary and switched and started third grade in sunrise elementary and of course grew from there horizon middle to Eaglecrest highschool.. But I’m jumping ahead of myself. Throughout elementary and middle I was very much so a bully because I am addicted to communicating with people and I’ve always loved it. My next portion will go deeper through the rest later. Tonight I have some thinking and other junk to do.. Not that anyone is too concerned.

“Bring the past if only you are going to build from it.” Was my most recent quote. I made this to put my life out in front of me to reflect and learn and come to peace with my life. Depending on my thoughts in the next 10-15 min I will decide on whether I want to attempt doing this in chronological order or starting where the true thickness began or from an in between point.. Until then..